Spitting (Rant No. 2)

Spitting.

It’s vile. It’s disgusting. And if you do it I’m more than likely going to think you’re scum.

If you’re one of those people who takes four steps, spits, takes another four steps, spits again, this is you I’m talking about (although none of those people will read this blog, so this is more rhetorical than it is a telling off). You people make me sick, and I don’t just mean that in a ‘careful now, down with this sort of thing’ way. I mean, physically sick. It’s horrible when you’re walking around town seeing people (I say people, more like failed human experiments. Wearing baseball caps and tracksuits.) hack up some phlegm and geb it in any direction they please. I’m feeling sick as I type this just thinking about it.

I don’t think it’s a smoking thing. I know people my age that smoke like chimneys and not once have I seen them do this. So, what is it? An outward sign that you’re well ‘ard if you can spit as much as humanly possible in one 24 hour period. Do you count how many times you’ve ejected saliva and compare them with other spides (cause let’s face it, that’s who the main culprits are) at the end of the day? So you can declare yourself King Chav.

I remember once standing outside of a pub after having some grub in it, and was waiting outside for…I think it was my dad, because he was in the toilet. Anyway, two kids, and they were kids, no more than 17, were standing in the doorway, talking to each other. And literally every 3 seconds one of them spat on the ground. Without fail. Actually, they weren’t even talking, or outside for a smoke. They were just standing spitting. Phtoo! 1..2..3..Phtoo! 1..2..3..Phtoo! In the two minutes I was standing outside there were forty different small puddles of saliva scattered around the door of the pub. It was hideous. Anyone entering or exiting the pub would have to walk through it.

Anyway, after seeing someone today coming out of a shop and before he even passed through the door (he was literally about 6 foot behind it) spat through it and it landed just past the entrance to the shop. Are things that dire that you can’t even wait until you’re outside to expel saliva? Do you have a condition that causes you to have to release a goober or you will die? If so, I’d understand. But if not, I feel there are some measures we could take to curtail this horrible habit:

1. Reintroduce spittoons. Yes, like in the Westerns. However, with the amount of cretins spitting all over the show you’d need them in every corner. Or at 6 pace intervals. Even then they probably wouldn’t use them. Or they would and then some poor old pensioner (or me, most likely knowing my luck) would get the contents of one poured over them, a la Mad Dog Tannen. But if that didn’t work we could…

2. Give the offenders nosebags. Yes, like a horse. You want to spit every 5 seconds? Fine. Just do it into your nosebag. A portable spittoon. Prefeably we could graft it to their faces somehow and engineer it to only open at certain points of the day for them to empty it. Cause you just know they’d fill it up in no time. But at least if they did, and jerking movement would cause the offending liquid to spill over themselves. Better that than my standing in somebody’s nose and mouth juices. Or if that doesn’t work…

3. Stitch their f*cking lips together. Problem solved.


Cheers
JC

The Brain Stew

Right, new blog time. I decided that as well as having a movie and TV blog, I’d have one that just me spouting off anything that comes into my head at that particular moment.

Henceforth, we have Brain Stew.

Enjoy.