It has come to my attention that I am in fact a bit of a casual xenophobe. Not in a BNP, ‘they took our jobs, go back to where you came from’ way. But more in an ‘oh-my-goodness-would-you-hurry-up-and-order-your-Subway-before-I-die-of-starvation’ way.
Cause these guys were fumbling with their money, their order, as well as generally being a bit out of their depth. I was getting impatient (the fact that I was hungry didn’t help matters) and found myself getting a little angry. I’m a little ashamed to admit it, but I’d rather be frank and earnest with y’all and give you reasons why.
But then, it struck me. Hang about; I’m sure I’ve been abroad, fumbling with foreign money, trying to order something using English despite the fact that the person behind the counter clearly doesn’t speak English, what with being Greek/Spanish/Scottish and all. And then speaking LOUDER ENGLISH because as we all know that always works.
Luckily the words Big Mac are universal.
So what right do I have to be angry at these people who are just doing what anybody in an unfamiliar country would do? No right whatsoever. I was very angry with myself afterwards. In fact, I thought I was a dick. So I’d just like to take this opportunity to apologise to those two guys for my internal thoughts while they were in front of me in the queue. I really am deeply sorry. I’m not a racist person. I honestly couldn’t care less where you’re from, what your skin colour is, what beliefs you hold. I’m not a ‘bloody foreigners’ kind of guy.
On the other hand though, there were two stupid Belfastian folk in who annoyed me just as much. Maybe I’m just an impatient bastard in general.
Anyway I shall try to be more patient in the future as well as to eradicate this casual xenophobia from my system.
My casual homosexuality, however, still remains.
Cheers
JC
Thursday 21 October 2010
Thursday 23 September 2010
I've got the cold. I'm grumpy. There may be swearing.
You have been warned.
The Cold
At this moment in time I have the cold. My nose is red raw from constant nose blowing, my head hurts, my eyes sting, and my chest still smells after smearing some well out of date Vicks Vaporub on it. I have not had the best of days. Compounding matters however, is the heating system in my work. It makes the place the stuffiest, horriblest, and just plain f*cking annoy JC-iest place on Earth.
It's not even that f*cking cold, yet as soon as the people in my work see a drop of rain they decide that the heating must go on. And then they complain when it gets too warm. And instead of opening a window to get some fresh air into the place they decide to throw on the air conditioning. Brilliant. Recirculated air is just what my sinuses need right now. Well, I hope you all get this f*cking cold that I currently have, you inconsiderate b*stards.
I'm not even like this guy. At least he looks a bit like Droopy and is therefore funny. I just look like an idiot with a red nose, watery eyes, and absolutely no resemblance to any cartoon character whatsoever.
Bad parking
Do you drive a BMW? If you do, you are statisically 94% more likely to be what I call a Car Park Twat. Just because you drive a BMW doesn't mean that you're allowed to take up two spaces. Three times today I have seen BMW straddling two car parking spaces. Why? Well, because they think that because their car is more expensive than mine, they should be allowed two spaces so no plebs drive in next to them and possibly damage the car door, and thus lessen the value of it.
Well, when you come outside and see Cock Piss Partridge on the side of your car, look for me in the vicinity.
And while I'm on the subject of driving, if I slow down to let you out at a busy junction or at anytime whilst on the road, I expect to be thanked. Just an almost imperceptible nod will do. If you don't thank me before I certain point in your manoevre, I am going to give you the finger.
[sidenote: I don't normally have anything against BMW drivers in particular. But today all the Car Park Twats seemed to be BMW's]
And once again on the subject of cars, those little signs people stick up on their windows. I'm fine with Baby on Board, and Mum to be on Board. They're fine. They serve a purpose. The ones I cannot stand are Princess on Board, or Naughty Person on Board. I even saw one recently that said Shopaholic on Board.
Not once have any of these signs made me think "Oh, I should drive more carefully, there's a shopaholic in front of me." In fact more often than not they're a hazard, as I have to drive close to the person in front to see what their sign says. So much so that one day I'll crash into someone and have to buy a Paraplegic on Board sign for my own car. (Is that in bad taste? I hope not.)
Anyway, that's enough vitriol from me today.
Ta-ra
JC
The Cold
At this moment in time I have the cold. My nose is red raw from constant nose blowing, my head hurts, my eyes sting, and my chest still smells after smearing some well out of date Vicks Vaporub on it. I have not had the best of days. Compounding matters however, is the heating system in my work. It makes the place the stuffiest, horriblest, and just plain f*cking annoy JC-iest place on Earth.
It's not even that f*cking cold, yet as soon as the people in my work see a drop of rain they decide that the heating must go on. And then they complain when it gets too warm. And instead of opening a window to get some fresh air into the place they decide to throw on the air conditioning. Brilliant. Recirculated air is just what my sinuses need right now. Well, I hope you all get this f*cking cold that I currently have, you inconsiderate b*stards.
I'm not even like this guy. At least he looks a bit like Droopy and is therefore funny. I just look like an idiot with a red nose, watery eyes, and absolutely no resemblance to any cartoon character whatsoever.
Bad parking
Do you drive a BMW? If you do, you are statisically 94% more likely to be what I call a Car Park Twat. Just because you drive a BMW doesn't mean that you're allowed to take up two spaces. Three times today I have seen BMW straddling two car parking spaces. Why? Well, because they think that because their car is more expensive than mine, they should be allowed two spaces so no plebs drive in next to them and possibly damage the car door, and thus lessen the value of it.
Well, when you come outside and see Cock Piss Partridge on the side of your car, look for me in the vicinity.
And while I'm on the subject of driving, if I slow down to let you out at a busy junction or at anytime whilst on the road, I expect to be thanked. Just an almost imperceptible nod will do. If you don't thank me before I certain point in your manoevre, I am going to give you the finger.
[sidenote: I don't normally have anything against BMW drivers in particular. But today all the Car Park Twats seemed to be BMW's]
And once again on the subject of cars, those little signs people stick up on their windows. I'm fine with Baby on Board, and Mum to be on Board. They're fine. They serve a purpose. The ones I cannot stand are Princess on Board, or Naughty Person on Board. I even saw one recently that said Shopaholic on Board.
Not once have any of these signs made me think "Oh, I should drive more carefully, there's a shopaholic in front of me." In fact more often than not they're a hazard, as I have to drive close to the person in front to see what their sign says. So much so that one day I'll crash into someone and have to buy a Paraplegic on Board sign for my own car. (Is that in bad taste? I hope not.)
Anyway, that's enough vitriol from me today.
Ta-ra
JC
Friday 20 August 2010
Spitting (Rant No. 2)
Spitting.
It’s vile. It’s disgusting. And if you do it I’m more than likely going to think you’re scum.
If you’re one of those people who takes four steps, spits, takes another four steps, spits again, this is you I’m talking about (although none of those people will read this blog, so this is more rhetorical than it is a telling off). You people make me sick, and I don’t just mean that in a ‘careful now, down with this sort of thing’ way. I mean, physically sick. It’s horrible when you’re walking around town seeing people (I say people, more like failed human experiments. Wearing baseball caps and tracksuits.) hack up some phlegm and geb it in any direction they please. I’m feeling sick as I type this just thinking about it.
I don’t think it’s a smoking thing. I know people my age that smoke like chimneys and not once have I seen them do this. So, what is it? An outward sign that you’re well ‘ard if you can spit as much as humanly possible in one 24 hour period. Do you count how many times you’ve ejected saliva and compare them with other spides (cause let’s face it, that’s who the main culprits are) at the end of the day? So you can declare yourself King Chav.
I remember once standing outside of a pub after having some grub in it, and was waiting outside for…I think it was my dad, because he was in the toilet. Anyway, two kids, and they were kids, no more than 17, were standing in the doorway, talking to each other. And literally every 3 seconds one of them spat on the ground. Without fail. Actually, they weren’t even talking, or outside for a smoke. They were just standing spitting. Phtoo! 1..2..3..Phtoo! 1..2..3..Phtoo! In the two minutes I was standing outside there were forty different small puddles of saliva scattered around the door of the pub. It was hideous. Anyone entering or exiting the pub would have to walk through it.
Anyway, after seeing someone today coming out of a shop and before he even passed through the door (he was literally about 6 foot behind it) spat through it and it landed just past the entrance to the shop. Are things that dire that you can’t even wait until you’re outside to expel saliva? Do you have a condition that causes you to have to release a goober or you will die? If so, I’d understand. But if not, I feel there are some measures we could take to curtail this horrible habit:
1. Reintroduce spittoons. Yes, like in the Westerns. However, with the amount of cretins spitting all over the show you’d need them in every corner. Or at 6 pace intervals. Even then they probably wouldn’t use them. Or they would and then some poor old pensioner (or me, most likely knowing my luck) would get the contents of one poured over them, a la Mad Dog Tannen. But if that didn’t work we could…
2. Give the offenders nosebags. Yes, like a horse. You want to spit every 5 seconds? Fine. Just do it into your nosebag. A portable spittoon. Prefeably we could graft it to their faces somehow and engineer it to only open at certain points of the day for them to empty it. Cause you just know they’d fill it up in no time. But at least if they did, and jerking movement would cause the offending liquid to spill over themselves. Better that than my standing in somebody’s nose and mouth juices. Or if that doesn’t work…
3. Stitch their f*cking lips together. Problem solved.
Cheers
JC
It’s vile. It’s disgusting. And if you do it I’m more than likely going to think you’re scum.
If you’re one of those people who takes four steps, spits, takes another four steps, spits again, this is you I’m talking about (although none of those people will read this blog, so this is more rhetorical than it is a telling off). You people make me sick, and I don’t just mean that in a ‘careful now, down with this sort of thing’ way. I mean, physically sick. It’s horrible when you’re walking around town seeing people (I say people, more like failed human experiments. Wearing baseball caps and tracksuits.) hack up some phlegm and geb it in any direction they please. I’m feeling sick as I type this just thinking about it.
I don’t think it’s a smoking thing. I know people my age that smoke like chimneys and not once have I seen them do this. So, what is it? An outward sign that you’re well ‘ard if you can spit as much as humanly possible in one 24 hour period. Do you count how many times you’ve ejected saliva and compare them with other spides (cause let’s face it, that’s who the main culprits are) at the end of the day? So you can declare yourself King Chav.
I remember once standing outside of a pub after having some grub in it, and was waiting outside for…I think it was my dad, because he was in the toilet. Anyway, two kids, and they were kids, no more than 17, were standing in the doorway, talking to each other. And literally every 3 seconds one of them spat on the ground. Without fail. Actually, they weren’t even talking, or outside for a smoke. They were just standing spitting. Phtoo! 1..2..3..Phtoo! 1..2..3..Phtoo! In the two minutes I was standing outside there were forty different small puddles of saliva scattered around the door of the pub. It was hideous. Anyone entering or exiting the pub would have to walk through it.
Anyway, after seeing someone today coming out of a shop and before he even passed through the door (he was literally about 6 foot behind it) spat through it and it landed just past the entrance to the shop. Are things that dire that you can’t even wait until you’re outside to expel saliva? Do you have a condition that causes you to have to release a goober or you will die? If so, I’d understand. But if not, I feel there are some measures we could take to curtail this horrible habit:
1. Reintroduce spittoons. Yes, like in the Westerns. However, with the amount of cretins spitting all over the show you’d need them in every corner. Or at 6 pace intervals. Even then they probably wouldn’t use them. Or they would and then some poor old pensioner (or me, most likely knowing my luck) would get the contents of one poured over them, a la Mad Dog Tannen. But if that didn’t work we could…
2. Give the offenders nosebags. Yes, like a horse. You want to spit every 5 seconds? Fine. Just do it into your nosebag. A portable spittoon. Prefeably we could graft it to their faces somehow and engineer it to only open at certain points of the day for them to empty it. Cause you just know they’d fill it up in no time. But at least if they did, and jerking movement would cause the offending liquid to spill over themselves. Better that than my standing in somebody’s nose and mouth juices. Or if that doesn’t work…
3. Stitch their f*cking lips together. Problem solved.
Cheers
JC
Thursday 19 August 2010
The Brain Stew
Right, new blog time. I decided that as well as having a movie and TV blog, I’d have one that just me spouting off anything that comes into my head at that particular moment.
Henceforth, we have Brain Stew.
Enjoy.
Henceforth, we have Brain Stew.
Enjoy.
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